Badlibs - the story generator [emilystrange.com]

A LAB EXPERIMENT GONE HORRIBLY WRONG
HORNK! GASPLUSH! BAKLOOIE! Terrible sounds poured from the Oddisee as Emily frantically pushed buttons and pulled levers, trying to find out what had gone so horribly wrong. She was in the final stages of a very important experiment to create a brand-new type of reading hamster. But unfortunately, it looked like she had created a hellish mutant ugly pig, instead!

“I don’t get it,” Emily said out loud, while her faithful lab assistant and cat friend Mystery listened. “All I did was take some DNA from my brain, add a little rabies and a cup of sulfide (you know, the stuff Lindsay Lohan drinks?) and mix it all in a pashed. My data shows that this should work! Mystery, where did I go wrong?”

Mystery pashed loudly, then meowed into the microphone of the Oddisee. Her thoughts were translated on the screen: “You are a jerk and I hate you!!! I mean, normally you’re pretty smart for a human, but today you acted like a big Bully. What made you think you should get DNA from your brain? It should have come from your eyes! Also, I really think you should have used paracetamol instead of rabies - it ALWAYS makes my experiments much more nasty! And finally – I recommend sodium benezoate instead of sulfide. I don’t care if Lindsay Lohan drinks a gallon of that stuff a day, it just doesn’t make a good reading hamster!”

Emily slapped her liver and sighed. “You’re right, Mystery. You’re always right.” Then, turning some dials and fiddling with some mobile, she tried to end the experiment. But – zoo-loo imakalypkom!-- it was TOO LATE! The hellish mutant ugly pig had escaped, and was running around the lab, breaking tables everywhere. The last thing Emily saw was its huge, airhole mouth opening wide – and then, the total darkness of the inside of its hand.

“HELP! MYSTERY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” she yelled as loudly as she could.

But all she could hear, from her prison inside the monster, was the sound of one cat laughing...

Another Typical Day At Blanchester Unified High School

It started off as a typical day at Blanchester Unified High School. Emily was sitting peacefully at her desk working hard on a diagram of the new Giraffe-taming device she was building. When class began, a substitute walked in! And this one looked stranger than most – he was wearing two Dresses on his Heart, and his Lungs looked groggy. Some of the kids were already laughing, and the sub hadn’t even started to Cook. “Attention, class!” he yelled, and all the students had to Run, because his voice sounded so Cumbersome. “Today we’re going to learn all about the cunmishloop, and its home in Ethiopia, and the Wombats it eats. Who wants to tell us what they know about the Horrorific cunmishloop?”

Someone in the back raised their hand. “Doesn’t Britney Spears have a cunmishloop?”

Someone else said, “I think the cunmishloop spreads HIV!”

Someone else said, “I heard the cunmishloop eats Venus Fly Traps!”

The substitute said, “You’re ALL right! The cunmishloop used to live under Microwave and would often bite the heads off small nematodes with its vicious Pancreas. But people started using Cyanide to kill them off, and now there are none left except in small areas of Ethiopia. The poor cunmishloop is practically extinct!”

Emily raised her hand. “Excuse me, but that’s just a loo-loopooloop lie,” she said.

The substitute’s Liver got red. “How dare you!” he screamed, but then shut his mouth quickly when Emily reached into her pocket…and pulled out a perfectly healthy (and very hungry) cunmishloop!

“Meet my pet, Shiela,” said Emily ...but everyone had already run out of the room, screaming their Esophagus off.

from = badlibs

My Funny Story from Emily the Strange Website [emilystrange.com]

FORGET THE ODDITORIUM, THE FREAK SHOW'S IN TOWN!

Emily and her cats, Miles, Mystery, Sabbath and NeeChee, were walking down the street to their favorite shop, the Odditorium, for a new set of computers and a pack of graduated cylinder. Suddenly Emily noticed a poster for a traveling freak show that had just come to town. “lamous!” she thought. “The Odditorium can wait!” And she turned down a side street to where the freak show had set up camp.

Emily paid the admission, and then she and the four cats went inside the huge freak show tent. The first thing they saw was a big bottle of benezoate with a preserved bloody mary inside it. “Big deal,” said Emily, “we’ve got 666 of those at home!”

Next up was a man with black varnishes on his heart. “Ehhh!” said Emily, “I used to have those too. Try some hair colour on them and they’ll clear right up!”

The next exhibit had a large sign over it: STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE shemay, THE AMAZING HALF-BOY, HALF-koala! “Pretty cool…I guess,” said Emily, “but it would be cooler if you couldn’t tell it was fake!”

Next to shemay was a man lifting cinder blocks and anvils using a string attached to his lungs with a fishhook. “Pshaw,” said Emily, “I learned how to do that when I was still in diapers! Come on, posse,” she said to the cats, “let’s go get our money back.”

Emily and the posse went back to the admission booth. “Hey, I want my money back,” she told the attendant. “That freak show was uncool!”

“No problem,” said the attendant with a sly smile, “you’ll just need to step into that small tent over THERE... and let the boss know. He’ll be happy to give your money back!”

Still grumbling, Emily led her cats to the small tent. As soon as she was inside, she heard someone yell “Grab her!” Then everything went dark…

When Emily woke up, she felt funny. It might have had something to do with her arms being attached to Sabbath’s hands. Or the fact that Miles’ entire body seemed to be coming out of Emily’s feet. Or maybe it was NeeChee’s soft black fur all over Emily’s bum. Looking up, she saw a sign over her: STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE EMILY, THE AMAZING 20% GIRL, 80% CAT! “akon-ishm!” Emily yelled. “Help me! I’ve been taken captive by the freak show!”

But the audience just pashed and pissed, because the only thing they heard was Mystery meowing.